I’m glad I have boys. It’s been said that when you have a boy you have to worry about your boy…but when you have a girl you have to worry about ALL the boys. I couldn’t handle having a girl. I’m far too protective. A little over-protective. Anyway, something changed on Halloween.
Asher fell. Hard. He was dressed as The Flash and took off running, yelling out “Zooooooom!” as he ran. The Flash made it all of 12 steps and fell on his face.
It was a big fall. I’ve always been good about having the boys shake it off. As much as I want to run to them and pick them up I usually just yell out, “Your ok! Get on up”. This time, however, he was not ok. He wasn’t crying, but something was off. So I give him a little hug. When I lean him off my shoulder to check him it all goes wrong. His head flops over and his eyes roll back in his head. His right arm shoots out and shakes and I’m not entirely sure if he’s breathing.
You never want to say the words to your child, “Stay with me”. I think I’ve said it over in my head just about every day since it happened.
It’s honestly messing me up a little bit. He fell at church the other day. Just slipped and landed on his butt. It was nothing, but in my head: “Stay with me”. The first day he went back to school after his big fall he was running up the sidewalk and I yelled out to him to walk. He’s 4. I can’t do that. Then again on Friday the boys just wanted to play “Manhunt” with Micah, Mason, and Parker & I ran down this long list of rules for them to be able to play. When they broke one of those rules I immediately ended their participation in the game on the grounds of them not listening. What I am having to admit to myself is that there is a good chance I was really glad for the excuse to bring them inside and keep them “safe”.
Funny how all my attempts to be a good dad are turning me into a bad one.
I’ll get over it. It’s probably in my head more than it’s in my actions, but it is undeniably in my head right now. There are some sin issues involved: control primarily. It’s not an easy thing to just tell yourself to knock it off.
It took a couple of weeks for time to heal Asher’s wound. Perhaps a little more time will heal mine.